Can I Stop My Divorce Before It Is Too Late?
Merrill- I am scared that I have lost my wife. We have been married for almost ten years, and I do not know what is wrong. She has said that things have changed, and that she is not happy. We have two wonderful children, and I do not want anything to change. She has filed for a divorce, and I cannot bring myself to sign the papers. Is it too late, or can I still save my marriage?
From-Approaching the point of no return
Dear Approaching,
There is some good news, and some bad news. Since I always like to hear the bad first, I will assume the same for you. You truly are clueless if you have no idea why the woman you have been married to for over ten years suddenly would give everything she has up and file for a divorce. Perhaps this is the whole reason she has decided to call it quits. Have you ever thought about what she could be talking about when she says things have changed? Have things changed, or have you changed. I believe that without even knowing you, I can honestly say that ten years ago, before the dirty diapers and the pureed carrots you were active in this relationship. You knew how your wife felt, when she was happy, and when she was sad. Somehow, over the last ten years you have lost that ability, and have fallen into this routine called life. You think that because you kiss her goodbye everyday, that you are both fine, but she is not. You have lost the things that she fell in love with. Do you ever ask her how her day was, or surprise her with a spa package? Can you remember the last time you made love, or held her hand. Probably not.
So now for the good news. It is not over quite yet. You have one last chance for this marriage to survive. You have to get her back the same way you got her in the first place. You need to sit down and figure out what has changed, and change it back. I would start with a date. Go out for dinner, or to the movies. Get her flowers; do all of that fun, cheesy stuff that you did when you were young, and did not have children. Send the kids to your moms that way you will have the house to yourselves. Run her a nice bath, and join her. To me it just sounds like she is fed up with you having no clue that she is not happy. Now this is the most important information. Talk to her. Tell her you know what is going on, and you want one more chance to show her that you love her, and want her in your life. Tell her you know you have changed over the years, and that you are going to work on getting the things that she loved about you back.
If she is willing to call off the divorce, and it will not happen overnight; from that point on you must care about her feelings. You can save your marriage, but you have to pay attention. Good luck, I hope you will let me know how it goes.
A Few Good Men
Merrill- Are there any good guys left in the world, I seem to find all the wrong ones, and I am beginning to think that Mr. Right is a myth. Your insight is desperately needed.
From-Looking for love… but perhaps on the wrong planet?
I get this question all the time, and it is my pleasure to answer it for all of you.
The answer is yes, but you have to know where to look. For many women, the problem is that they are unconsciously attracting the wrong men. You may be doing this because of self-esteem issues, abandonment problems, or you really just enjoy getting hurt.
My first word of advice is, not to get consumed by looking for men. It is when you least expect it, he will be there. When you let your guard down you will notice that all of a sudden great men are everywhere. Men can sense desperation, and the wrong guys cling to it. They are desperate themselves. Desperation leads to an ignorance of standards. You begin to want a guy, and any guy will do. Well is that really who you want to marry, or have children with, any guy. Of course not, no girl does. In fact we dream about Mr. Right all the time, what he does for a living, what he wears, and how great his ass looks in those briefs. I mean come on ladies change your focus. Instead of worrying about never finding him, stop looking. Go and take up a new past time like yoga. Watch some great old movies, and learn to live with yourself. No one wants to be with someone who defines themselves by whether or not they are single.
More importantly, good men are everywhere, but tend to not be in the places bad men are. For example, most women go to the club with their friends, and are delighted when they meet a handsome man who looks them up and down, or asks them to dance. Now let me critically analyze this. First ladies, when you go to the club it should be to dance, and let loose with your girlfriends, not to find a potential date. Why you ask? Well that is simple, if he is out flirting it up with you in the club then what will he be doing if you start dating. Will he suddenly turn into a home body who hates bars, and flirting with beautiful women? The liklihood of this happening is slim to none.
Instead of looking for the man of your dreams in a smokey, and loud bar. You will meet good men when you least expect it. Next time you go to your local library check out the potential men there. Or when you are grabbing your favorite coffee at Starbucks have a look around. This way you will increase your chances of finding an intellectual, or someone who enjoys a triple shot, extra foam latte just like you. That sure beats a man who can beer bong a half sack in record time.
The truth is there are a few good men, but only a few so start your search in your local grocery store, or at a charity benefit. This way you know you have found a man with a good head on his shoulders. Instead of getting bummed out about how all men are pigs think to yourself, why am I looking for Mr. Right in a pig pen?
As for ‘Looking for love… but perhaps on the wrong planet?’, thank-you for a great question, and I have faith that your Mr. Right is closer then you think!
Until next time…
How Do You Know When To Call It Quits?
So my relationship is spinning out of control. When it is good, it is so good, but when it is bad, I just want to throw in the towel. I think to myself, is it worth this much heart ache and pain? I mean I love him, but when is love just not enough? Love is not going to pay the bills, and love is not going to stop the fighting.
A really great friend of mine once told me a way to know when to call it quits. It is called the 60/40 rule. Basically, if you are happy sixty percent of the time, and fighting forty percent worth, then you are okay, and should proceed with caution. However, if it ever tilts to a 50/50 split, its time to call it off.
Right now we are 60/40… exactly, just on the border. Maybe it is just me, and my negative outlook on my personal life. I tend to focus on the bad things, and they end up consuming me. This is dangerous, because I have lost the good things in my mind. The more I think about the bad, the worse things seem to be. Is it up to me, do I have the power to change my relationship, just by changing my attitude?
Things have changed so much in the last four years. I remeber the way he talked to me, and looked at me. Now we say mean and hurtful thigns to eachother, and then pretend we never said them. I think about those things everyay of my life now. They come out when we fight, and then get buried in our minds until the next time we argue. How did we get so mean? Why is it okay for us to say things to each other that four years ago we would have never dreamed of saying?
I have put so much time and effort into this relationship that it would be a shame to end it now. I know we love each other, but we have lost something sacred. I do not know how to get it back, but I hope we will be able to figure it out before it is too late. The longer I stay, the more time goes by, and so when do we know when over really means over.
We have talked about breaking up, and it just seems like the easy way out. If two people really love each other then why are we talking about breaking up. Should we not be able to realize our feelings, and put the past behind us. Should we not be growing closer, and not farther away?
I have made so many mistakes in this relationship, but at least I am willing to admit them. Perhaps we should go to some sort of counselling. Maybe it will do the trick. I am just not willing to give up yet. I love him too much to give up. All I do know is that as long as I am happy 60 percent of the time, I am going to stay. If things do not get better soon then perhaps we should just accept the inevitable.
